Mister Brisbane: Secrets of the city
League's losers | Fictional favourites | Bad manners | Showbiz comeback
Sometimes it takes a stranger to make you see something familiar in a new light. I was thinking the other day of the comedian Rod Quantock, who I met a couple of decades ago during the first incarnation of the Brisbane Comedy Festival, when he was performing a media preview of his improvised show, Bus, Son of Tram. The concept, which he had perfected in his hometown of Melbourne, involved driving around the city in a bus and stopping off at points of interest. The difference from a normal guided tour was that Quantock was carrying a rubber chook on a stick and we, the passengers/audience, were wearing plastic Groucho Marx glasses. Oh, and instead of have an arranged itinerary, we just gatecrashed a lot of places — from a McDonald’s, where we tried unsuccessfully to scam free burgers, to sites that are definitely off the tourist trail, including the Brisbane Masonic Temple and the exclusive Queensland Club. Most of the people we encountered took it in their stride, but it was a terribly rude — albeit hilarious — way to see some of “hidden” Brisbane. The memory has made me wonder which doors I’d like to knock down now just to take a peek inside. And whether a disorganised tour of the sights we don’t usually get to see might be a hit today.
Join Brett Debritz and Spencer Howson for the Mister Brisbane show on Reading Radio at 1296AM or DAB+ in Brisbane on Tuesdays at 6.30pm, Wednesdays at 2pm and Saturdays at 7.15am. It is also available as a podcast on popular platforms including Spotify, Apple and Google Podcasts.
BAN THE BIFF
I was recently watching a rugby league game on television, and a player was sin-binned after a rough tackle in which another player sustained a head injury. The reason given for the ref’s decision was “duty of care”. This fired up the commentators, who not only disputed the need for a penalty but by-and-large dismissed the whole duty-of-care concept. And that, my friends, is what’s wrong with rugby league. The dinosaurs in the commentary box are still waxing lyrical about the “good old days” of the “biff” without acknowledging the now-proven long-term harm caused by contact sports. They need to read about the extremely high incidence of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) among former NFL players in the US, their alarming rate of dementia and their low average life expectancy.
It’s clear to me that the game of rugby league has to pivot from an emphasis on brute force to a celebration of pure skill. Not only is it the right thing to do to prevent serious injuries, the very future of the code depends on it. Otherwise, the individual clubs and the NRL will be making huge payouts to past players with permanent injuries, and it may soon become impossible for them to get insurance. And that will be the end of it. My advice to the boofheads in the commentary box is to get with the program or get off the air. The viewing public can do without hearing such genius takes on the game as “it’s all right to throw a pass, but somebody has to catch it”.
By the way, this doesn’t only apply to rugby league. On a recent news bulletin, a rugby union “great” whose son now plays the game said his advice to his offspring was “to hurt as many people as possible”. It’s an irresponsible thing to say and an irresponsible thing for the station to air.
FACT OR FICTION?
Walt Disney
This is a true story. When I worked at a now-defunct Brisbane daily newspaper many years ago, we wanted to accompany a story about the Walt Disney company with an illustration of Mickey Mouse. So, someone went around to the library — there were no digital images in those days — to get one. When he asked for the picture, a young library assistant said something along the lines of, “Oh my God, is he dead?”
The story, unlikely as it seems, leads to a serious point: that some fictional characters are very real to us. In theatre they talk about the “suspension of disbelief”, where the performances are so convincing that we forget it’s all make-believe. The downside for some actors is that they become so identified with their character that they are eternally typecast. The upside, of course, is that it’s usually a sign that they’ve done their job extremely well. In the case of protagonists in books and cartoon characters such as Mr Mouse, I suppose it’s the writers and artists who’ve excelled at creating someone so palpable that we forget they are just words on a page or flickering images on a screen.
In any case, it raises the question: is there any character from fiction you really wish were real?
TIGER TALES
Netflix
I just discovered that many of the Tiger King cast are on Cameo.com — a service that charges for personalised video messages from well-known people. I haven’t actually heard of many of the so-called celebrities on the site, but I do know the Tiger King folk. Carol Baskin, who is now appearing on the US version of Dancing With the Stars, is the most expensive. For US$299 she’ll wish you a happy birthday or whatever you want to hear (except, perhaps, what really happened to her first husband). Doc Antle charges $250 but Kelci Saffery will do it for $100, and James Garretson (the guy on the jet ski) for $75. Of course, Joe Exotic isn’t available right now. It made me wonder who I’d choose on a similar site featuring Australian celebs.
ARE WE TOO POLITE?
An online friend pointed out a news story about a small riot that broke out in a theatre in Madrid when the people in the cheap seats discovered that the people in the expensive seats were enjoying greater social distancing. The audience shouted and clapped for an hour until the opera performance was cancelled. As somebody pointed out, European audiences tend to be a lot more vocal than those in Australia, and will very loudly let the cast know when they’re not enjoying a performance. I’ve certainly never encountered anything like that in a Brisbane theatre. Here it’s considered polite to sit through things we don’t enjoy and clap at the end. Perhaps we are too passive for our own good. If we are prepared to put up with mediocre performances, then maybe we’ll never get to see anything that’s truly excellent. So, should we continue to sit quietly and squirm, or should we say what we really think?
IN THE KNOW
BBC
I was reminded recently of an old Two Ronnies sketch where an encyclopaedia salesman makes a sale to a family who know everything — except how to work out the change required to make the purchase. It came into my head because I was dealing with a professional person who was competent in her field of expertise but couldn’t get her head around a delivery arrangement. The moral of the story is that we’re all good at something, but nobody is brilliant at everything. Any other examples?
MORE LIKES
I’ve discovered even more places that are like other places … and this time I decided to look a little closer to home. So I googled the term “Brisbane of the North” — and I came up with Townsville. But also, Birmingham in England — in a cricket article comparing Edgbaston to the Gabba. Curiously, an American football publication from 1934 used the term to describe a Notre Dame player named Joe Brandy. I can’t pin that one down, but it presumably refers to another footballer called Brisbane, although it can’t be globetrotting Londoner Jason Brisbane, because he was born in 1986. There is a reference to “Brisbane of the East”, perhaps in relation to Wagga Wagga, but the linked webpage carries a nudity warning, so I didn’t pursue it any further. Honestly. Finally, Google says the “Brisbane of the South” is Hobart, while the top search results for “Brisbane of the West” are for this newsletter and the Mister Brisbane podcast, which revealed a few weeks ago that the answer to that is Perth.
CONUNDRUMS
Something I posted on Twitter: Did I miss the memo regarding the distinction between “it’s” [with an apostrophe] and “its” [without], or is it still a thing? I’ve seen “it’s” used for the possessive too many times on social media and in news articles. Having thought about this issue a bit more, I’m wondering whether we need to improve the education system or just concede that this one’s a lost cause.
Also on social media, a like-minded friend named Matt was complaining about the use of QLD as an abbreviation for Queensland, rather than Qld. I’m with him. It’s NSW, SA, WA, NT and ACT because they are initialisms, but Qld, Vic and Tas because they are simple abbreviations. Who’s with us?
While I’m at it, why do Queensland postcodes and radio station callsigns start with 4, but the telephone code is 07? In other states, the numbers match. In NSW it’s all 2s, in Victoria it’s 3s and so on.
SMART ARTS!
The Brisbane arts scene is getting back to something approaching normality with a Covid-safe plan to get bums back on seats. Under a government-funded program, Queensland’s Own, local companies including the Queensland Theatre Company, Queensland Ballet (above), Circa and Opera Queensland will be performing to 50-per-cent capacity houses at QPAC during the final three months of this year. Details here.
FEEDBACK
From Bernie: “Really enjoy Mister Brisbane and some of those old pub names rekindled some memories. When I was a young bloke from Toowoomba who started work in Brisbane I was smuggled into The Globe in Adelaide Street for my first beer by a group of regulars who were clearly over legal drinking age of 21 (then). I was a fresh-faced 16 and scared stiff I’d be caught. As well as the famous old pubs you mentioned there was also the British Empire, Globe, Gresham, Her Majesty’s and the Criterion with its famous marble bar. Those were the days and I’m delighted the Prince Consort will revert to its original moniker.” Scott fondly remembers BCC (Brisbane Cash and Carry) stores, while Jonathan says he misses the Broadway Hotel at Woolloongabba. And Samantha notes: “The Lord Alfred Hotel at Petrie Tce was Hotel LA for a few years. It’s returned to its original name now.”
Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the cruise industry has been in talks with Queensland agencies about opening up the new Brisbane Cruise Terminal at Luggage Point for voyages up and down the coast, or perhaps to New Zealand. The port authorities may have to get busy with the deodorant to mitigate the smells from Luggage Point sewage treatment plant sooner than I thought. And on that subject, Chris noted: “A few bottles of White King in the water should do the trick.”