Radio's future ... and I'm setting sail!
A glimpse into a possible scenario and the real-world reason it might happen!
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It’s a Monday morning in the year 2028. You drag yourself out of bed and you switch on the radio breakfast show. There is only one show. Indeed, there is only one station — unless you count the ABC, which nobody in your line of work ever does.
Kyle Sandilands is sounding a little remote today. That may be because he’s beaming in from the studio on Mars, which he bought from Elon Musk when the whole X thing went spectacularly but predictably belly up.
But the laugh track Jackie O recorded before she, like so many others, decided to spend more time with her family is still operating, so that’s reassuring.
Kyle is angry about something. Or perhaps he’s happy. He may have even just told a joke, but it’s hard to know. It doesn’t really matter to you because, as the nation’s last remaining radio executive, this is exactly what you wanted. There is no longer any choice on the commercial airwaves.
Your only regret is that Kyle’s last pay rise had to come from your own pocket, because he was already getting everybody else’s salary. As long as there’s still something left for the shareholders, it’s not a problem.
You sometimes wonder what happened to all that talent — announcers, producers, admin, tech and sales staff — when they went off to pursue other projects. But, mostly, you’re just glad that you’re the last one standing. And there’s not a lot for you to do. Since yours is the only show in town — indeed, in the country — the advertising dollars look after themselves.
There was some resistance at first with a few disgruntled types insisting that radio was a “local” medium. But once you got rid of all the regional shows, it was easy to kill off the capital-city crew. Television proved years ago that audiences have very short memories.
You finally did it. You’ve achieved Peak Radio.
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Meanwhile, in the real world of radio, this scenario doesn’t seem quite so exaggerated.
SCA, the target of a takeover bid explained (sort of) here, has already started jettisoning its regional talent on the Hit brand (the one that, on paper at least, will come out the loser in the merger scenario).
We’ve also had a war of words between former friends Jase “Labrat” Hawkins and Kyle Sandilands, both of whom have strong Brisbane connections.
Sandilands called Hawkins a “dog” over an anecdote about the time the two lived in the same place — but not, as Kyle was keen to point out, as “flatmates”.
This matters because Hawkins co-hosts with Lauren Phillips (pictured, above) the KIIS breakfast show in Melbourne, and Sandilands has made no secret of his desire to expand his own show into the Victorian capital, and nationally after that.
P.S. Meanwhile in Brisbane, Peter Gleeson has been confirmed as the full-time host of the Drive show on news-talk station 4BC. Gleeson, who recently said on air that Labor voters were not welcome to listen to the station, will face challenges building an audience. Most vocal among his critics is Transport Minister Mark Bailey, who went on Bill McDonald’s new mornings show to explain why he wouldn’t talk on-air to Gleeson, who was fired from a newspaper gig last year for plagiarism. Is Bailey setting himself up for a post-politics career as a shock jock — or, as a Labor voter, is he disqualified?
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
I’m off to the Brisbane International Cruise Terminal (the one next to the Luggage Point sewage treatment plant) on Saturday, 28 October, to set sail on Royal Caribbean’s Quantum of the Seas.
It’s big party ship with lots to do. I’ll go to the shows, of course, and enjoy the diverse food offering. I’ll also step ashore at Mystery Island when we get there, I imagine. But, mostly, I expect I’ll be having a relatively quiet time just watching the waves gently lapping the side of the ship while I enjoy a pina colada. Or two.
If you want to follow my travels, check my socials: @debritz on X, @brettdebritz on Facebook, Instagram and Threads, and @RadioBert on YouTube. You are most welcome to use those channels if you recognise the photo at the top of this newsletter and understand its relevance.